I just felt it.

I just knew the minute I opened my eye's, it would be a crap day. No matter how much I tried to go back to sleep and just forget the whole day.
DH is swinging like a bad cheap ride at the fair. I know it's not his fault, " It's the medication " or so the Dr keeps telling me. " It's probably the way he is dealing with his illness". But I cant get my head around it. I refuse. We have been togther 17 years. There has not been 1 second that we have fought or I have hated until his illness hit us like a bad night out. He doesn't cope with anything anymore, somedays he cant even get up off the couch and I am tired. To tired to carry on for him. Infact I just dont have the strength anymore. I have lost interest in everything, I just cant be bothered. I have been forced to learn thing's I never had to do. I have even taking to locking up the house and hiding when someone comes to the door. Just so I dont have to put on a face and act like everything is fine when inside I am wishing the world would swallow me up whole.
I can hear you all saying " Have you spoken to him about it?".
Well of course I have, over and over until I am blue in the face. He tell's me the same thing, "There is nothing wrong with me I feel fine."
Just like he did this morning, when I just felt it.

Now the only thing I feel is numb. Just one small breath at a time today. I will be forced out of my zone at 5pm when I have to work and put on my "everything is fucking fine face".

Just one very small breath.